The story is about a girl who thinks too much. That girl is me. I am now in a situation where I cannot drag anybody in..because I'm afraid they'll mess up with what I might or should be thinking. I actually don't know what I am supposed to think. What if I got it all wrong? What if he doesn't really like me, and I am the only one in this imaginary world who's making life so hard for myself? What if he does like me, and right now I don't think I like him, but in the future I suddenly realize I actually do? What if I never do get to like him but then..he's what I need? Wrong. What if he does like me..and I do like him now? Not true. What if feelings will just come afterwards? Won't I be just screwing up a perfectly good chance to land a guy who's responsible, caring, obsessed about me? Assuming he really likes me and this is not just an illusion.

But..now. At least for now, I have no feelings for him. Disgust is what I feel about myself when I think about using him. Disgust right here and now. Because I can't imagine myself confronting him about my lack of interest. Disgust because what's stopping me is pure selfishness. I am disgusted. I disgust myself. Disgusting, selfish, cruel person..

So I have run into a problem. This problem..haunting me for a few months now. It seems to have something to do with freedom. My freedom. Petty as it may, this problem has been depriving me of sleep and peaceful thought. Or this might as well be a case of conflicting desires. One thing I cannot understand about myself, among other things, is how I can want something but at the same time beat myself up about wanting it. It's like a very masochistic move that just tears me apart. Yet I keep on doing it. Sometimes I lie to myself just to a peace the demons inside me. There are demons inside me?? To be or not to be. To be the bigger man or not to be the bigger man. To do or not to do. To do nothing or to do what just might put me in a spot where I will be insecure but at the same time relieved, guilt-free, happy. Well what can I say? Now, that's the real question.