Disgusting

The story is about a girl who thinks too much. That girl is me. I am now in a situation where I cannot drag anybody in..because I'm afraid they'll mess up with what I might or should be thinking. I actually don't know what I am supposed to think. What if I got it all wrong? What if he doesn't really like me, and I am the only one in this imaginary world who's making life so hard for myself? What if he does like me, and right now I don't think I like him, but in the future I suddenly realize I actually do? What if I never do get to like him but then..he's what I need? Wrong. What if he does like me..and I do like him now? Not true. What if feelings will just come afterwards? Won't I be just screwing up a perfectly good chance to land a guy who's responsible, caring, obsessed about me? Assuming he really likes me and this is not just an illusion.

But..now. At least for now, I have no feelings for him. Disgust is what I feel about myself when I think about using him. Disgust right here and now. Because I can't imagine myself confronting him about my lack of interest. Disgust because what's stopping me is pure selfishness. I am disgusted. I disgust myself. Disgusting, selfish, cruel person..